Sexual Fantasy: It’s Normal.
If you are a skeptic let me convince you.
Fantasy, in general, is like a mental sandbox where ideas and emotions can play around freely. Daydreaming, imagining conversations, picturing future situations—all of that comes from the same mental system that produces sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies are one of those things almost everyone has, but not everyone talks about.
According to Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, of the 4,000+ people surveyed in the U.S., 97% people report having sexual fantasies and having them frequently. Having and enjoying sexual fantasies is human. So, what do we fantasize about? Here are the most common sexual fantasy themes:
Mutli-partner sex
So common that it, in fact, is rare that a person has not imagined this scenario
Power, control, rough sex
Think BDSM
Novelty, adventure, and variety
Whatever may be new and exciting to you!
Taboo and forbidden sex
Acts or desires that push against cultural/societal/religious norms
Partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships
Swinging, polyamory, stag & vixen arrangements
Passion and romance
Intimacy and emotional connection; common with all genders i.e. not just women
Erotic flexibility
Explorations of being or having sex with different sexes and genders
So, is it normal and common to have sexual fantasies and have them frequently? Yes, absolutely. But what if I don’t have sexual fantasies, am I normal too? Yes, it is just less common not to.
We often assume that other people are not engaging with and enjoying sexual fantasies because we rarely talk about it in the open. Fear of embarrassment, shame, rejection often flood our minds when we imagine someone discovering our fantasies.. What will they think of me? Will they think I’m weird? Will they find it disgusting?
But statistically speaking, if you have sexual fantasies, the person sitting next to you probably does too.
So why do we have sexual fantasies and why are they so common? What do they mean
about us?
Sexual fantasies allow us to be creative and craft our most tantalizing desires in the safety of our own imagination. They provide easy access to sexual arousal and pleasurable sensations. Sexual fantasies allow us to escape our day-to-day lives and liberate us from the constraints of the real
world. Sexual fantasies can also have deeper meanings. For some people, fantasy allows them to explore identities that they feel they cannot explore outside of their imagination. Most of the time when fantasies involve changing ourselves or our bodies it stems from having a broad and healthy imagination. But sometimes when we change our sex, gender, body type, personality, or relationships in our fantasies it is rooted in the unhappiness that we feel in ourselves, our relationships, and/or our sexual desires.
Fantasy Doesn’t Always Mean Reality
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual fantasies is the belief that they reflect exactly what someone wants to do in real life. But this isn’t necessarily true. Some fantasies are the most exciting when they stay in your own imagination. And some fantasies should stay in the imagination if they would harm or violent consent of another person. It is not uncommon to have “dark” fantasies, and it does not mean there is something wrong with you. It simply means that these curiosities should only be enjoyed in the safe space of your imagination. For more on consent look here.
What do I do if my fantasies do reflect my unhappiness? Or if my sexual fantasies are
making me upset?
First, if there is unhappiness in your relationship, share this with your partner. It may be scary, but sharing sexual fantasies with a partner typically improves a relationship and may lead to positive changes. If your fantasies have been causing distress, talking to a professional who is knowledgeable about sex is a perfect place to start. Expressing and exploring these fantasies will allow you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, develop self-compassion, and work towards self-acceptance. If change is what you seek, speaking with a therapist can help you identify the aspects of your life that you are unhappy with and work on strategies to improve them.
What if my fantasies aren’t bothering me but I just want to talk about them to understand
them more?
Therapy is a great place for that as well. Therapy isn’t always about treating problems and reducing symptoms, it can be a place where you seek personal growth from a place of well-being.
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